My Child
by Chaos formerly Rini
Summary: Lily's perspective, taken from the first time she ever holds her child- I can't give away too much, but the "big secret" is out first chapter. So read to find out! Hiatus


A/N: Writers block! Sorry to all the people who are waiting for my other fics to be updated, but I have evil, evil, evil writers block! And to be sincere, I was getting bored with "Usagi's Destinies" a while ago, so I think I'll just finish up the summer sometime and leave it at that. Anywhoops, this one started as a fic on a message board to break my writer's block, and it developed into a huge thing for me- eight-ish pages to sum up the bit I actually wrote about. Disclaimer: Am I J.K. Rowling? Do I write like her? No, I don't own any of the characters. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
The doctors hand me Harry, my precious son, swaddled in a baby blue blanket. I stare down into his face- he is awake, aware, and his eyes- my eyes- stare back at me.  
  
As I am overcome with love for my child, I feel wretched. This is what my parents felt all their life, for me and Petunia. No matter how mad they were, they loved us this much. It is downright frightening, how much love it is possible to feel for this one tiny thing. I thought I was drowning in love when I married James, but it wasn't even a puddle compared to this vast sea that I'm in.  
  
Here, in my hands, is a being conceived of the both of us- I have a bit of him, a bit of me, and a whole of my child. How my parents survived, all through the moody teen years of my life- of Petunia's life- without hugging us to death, being pushed away by us, I have no idea. I don't think I'll be able to manage when I have to see Harry go off to school, only coming back at Christmas and summertime for seven years. And even then, he will be distant, for all children reach a point of being embarrassed by their parents.  
  
Until they have a child of their own.  
  
I'm crying now, the joy and the love and the wretchedness combining to consume me in a simple sense of feeling. I hug Harry a bit tighter to me- I don't want him to leave me for even a second, but I know the doctors will take him from me until we leave the hospital. I want to go home right now, move all his things into our room, have him stay in the same bed as us all night.  
  
I thought that Petunia's baby was adorable. But the love for someone else's child is nothing to what the love for your own child is.  
  
It's undescribable.  
  
Yet amazing.  
  
This is where my love has lead me- to the love for my child.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
Hallowe'en, Same Year  
  
"Lily, it's him! Take Harry and run!"  
  
No, James! I wanted to cry, come with us!. But it was no use- I couldn't shout out, couldn't let Voldemort take my precious son's life. I love you, James, I thought desperately, hoping he would know one last time before we died.  
  
Footsteps in the hall- he's coming.  
  
The door swinging open- he's coming.  
  
A coldness sweeping over- he's coming.  
  
"Move aside you silly girl!"- he's here, and he wants Harry.  
  
"NO!" I scream, shielding the only part of James I have left. "You can't have him!"  
  
The dreaded words. The fatal words. The words no human wants to hear. "Avada Kedavra."  
  
I lapse into unconsciousness.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
I wake up a few hours later, and find the house in ruins, and Harry gone.  
  
What happened?  
  
I should be dead.  
  
He should be dead.  
  
James is dead.  
  
But this is no time to putter along slowly. I don't know what is going on, but I do know they mustn't know I'm alive yet.  
  
I cast the charm that I learned in seventh year- I'd always thought it was a ridiculous waste of time to bother with it, but now it came in handy.  
  
There is another of me, lying where I was before, dead. I wave my wand and make my hair blonde, and my eyes gray. I should be unrecognizable in my shorter, plumper state.  
  
Where should I go?  
  
I run.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
The big doors swing open after my resounding knock. I don't know how it was I ended up here, but this is where my heart lead and my feet followed.  
  
Professor McGonagall is standing on the other side of the door.  
  
I pitch my voice lower than it usually was. "I need to speak to Albus Dumbledore, please."  
  
She must have seen how desperate I was, for she left to fetch him without a word.  
  
He recognizes me. That's good. I wanted him to.  
  
"Professor... I need employment. And protection. Please." I'm begging. I promised myself a long time ago I'd never beg for anything, but here I am.  
  
His eyes cloud over, and he says quietly, "What happened?"  
  
I tell him.  
  
He nods.  
  
"What should we do?" I whisper roughly.  
  
"You need a name. Poppy Pomfrey. And a position in this castle. What do you think you could do?"  
  
"Do you have a nurse in the Hospital Wing?"  
  
I have a job. I have a place to hide. And only one person knows my secret.  
  
I know the Dark One will return. The centaurs spoke of it while I was in the forest.  
  
But he won't know that I still live.  
  
And he won't hurt my son.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
The children stare at me. Some pass by the Hospital Wing to see me, and whisper. Other purposely make themselves sick to get closer.  
  
They call me dumpy.  
  
They call me ugly.  
  
They call me strict.  
  
It's hard. I wish I could be nicer, more like myself. But then the older ones would know who I am. I wish I could be prettier, and neater. But then the older ones would know who I am.  
  
And they couldn't keep the secret.  
  
The teachers don't know. They all think I am Poppy Pomfrey, and that I went to Beauxbatons many years ago. They don't know I'm Head Girl Lily Evans, married to James Potter, mother to the famous Harry Potter.  
  
They don't know.  
  
They've sent him to Petunia, and Vernon. He'll grow up with them, and Dudley. He'll have a family, and be well off.  
  
It is for the best. I wait for eleven years longer, mending children and faculty alike.  
  
The whispers about Voldemort died out after a few years. The whispers about me died out after a few months.  
  
The whispers about Harry Potter only increased in volume as the year he would arrive approached.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
Dumbledore drew me aside a few weeks before my son would come.  
  
He told me what I already knew: that I wouldn't be able to treat Harry any differently than if he was any other famous child.  
  
That I wouldn't be able to hold him.  
  
That I wouldn't be able to tell him.  
  
I nod.  
  
Then he tells me about Harry's life so far.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
When he's finished, I'm shocked. I knew Petunia was mad at me, at the wizarding world, for what had happened to Mum and Da, but... treating her nephew like that was beyond ridiculous.  
  
My hopes, my dreams, my son. All vanished, and instead I was left with a tiny question mark under what he would be like.  
  
I thought I knew them.  
  
But I didn't.  
  
"He lived in a broom closet?" I finally manage to choke out.  
  
I want to see him desperately now.  
  
I want to hold him  
  
I wait.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
My hair is longer now, and slightly curly again. I've let it become a strawberry-blonde, just so I can have a touch of my red back. My eyes are a greenish-blue, and I gradually lessened the height I shortened myself by each morning. I'm thin again, too.  
  
But unrecognizable, all the same. It's been many years since I supposedly died. No one will look for me anymore.  
  
I stopped looking for James in the people I passed on the street long ago.  
  
He died.  
  
I lived.  
  
HARRY lived. And Harry is coming here soon. Here, with me, his mother. But he doesn't know that. He knows that he's getting away from his evil aunt and uncle, his abusive cousin.  
  
I'd take him in, but that would be dangerous.  
  
The Dark One is waiting.  
  
He still has eyes everywhere.  
  
It isn't safe.  
  
So I wait, gradually returning to myself, imperceptibly.  
  
I don't even think Dumbledore has realized how much I have changed back into myself.  
  
But I have.  
  
-.-.-.-.-  
  
He's coming.  
  
Even if I didn't know that the students got here on September first, I would know.  
  
He's coming.  
  
I won't see him at the feast. There is a little girl, only in her second year, who has Scarlet fever. I'm going to take care of her during the feast, keep her company.  
  
I know what it's like to be lonely.  
  
I've been lonely for eleven years.  
  
I won't be lonely any longer.  
  
He is coming.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
I've seen him.  
  
He didn't know who I was, of course, but he was here.  
  
His friend- Ron Weasley- was in here. It was a dragon bite if ever I saw one (and I have in my time), but he wouldn't admit it. That's alright. I know that Hagrid has had a dragon egg. I know that Harry, Ron, and their friend Hermione visit him often.  
  
When he first walked in through the door, I almost thought I was seeing James again. He looked so much the same, but he had my eyes.  
  
He looked into my eyes as he asked to see Ron.  
  
He didn't know who I was.  
  
I let him visit.  
  
I see him at meals, sometimes, when I don't have any patients in the Wing that need looking after.  
  
He's happy. Ron, Hermione, the other boys in his year, all keep him company.  
  
I wanted to send him something for Christmas, but I couldn't. Instead, I told Dumbledore to give him the Invisibility Cloak.  
  
It is from me in a way.  
  
It is from James more.  
  
But, Harry will never have James.  
  
Hopefully, he will have me. Someday, he will know.  
  
The Philosopher's Stone is hidden under the school. Someone tried to steal it on Harry's birthday.  
  
The Dark One will come, soon, soon, soon.  
  
I hope Harry will stay away.  
  
I couldn't bear to lose my child, when I am so near to having him in my arms again.  
  
It hurts me, cuts me deeply, that I cannot hold him when I see him. I wish him no harm, but to have an excuse to touch him...  
  
The Dark One is coming for my child.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
I almost can't believe it- Harry and his friends went after the Philosopher's Stone. I say almost because he is James's son. James would have done the same thing.  
  
But Ron and Harry both ended up in the hospital wing. Ron recovered quickly, but not my child.  
  
When he finally woke up, it was to the headmaster. But my walls have ears. The pictures have eyes. I knew every word that passed between them. And I saw him looking through the photo album Hagrid had given him.  
  
I saw him seeing me.  
  
He still didn't recognize me before he left, though. Gryffindor lost the Quidditch Cup, but won the House Cup. Because of Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Neville Longbottom.  
  
I know what happened to Frank and his wife. So does Neville.  
  
But none of the other children do. They don't understand the poor child.  
  
They don't understand my child, either.  
  
But I know why I'm alive, and why Harry is alive.  
  
James gave his life to save mine, so I was saved. But I sacrificed my life to save Harry. I kept my life, and he kept his. But no one was able to save my James.  
  
The Dark One has come, and he will come again.  
  
I continue to watch my child, and to become myself.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
It's only been the first Quidditch match, and he's already back in the hospital wing. This is, of course, after he crashed a car into the Whomping Willow.  
  
And now his bones are gone from his arm, all because of that block-headed Lockhart. He never was the brightest in school.  
  
I'm afraid I took my frustrations out on Harry, though.  
  
But I don't know why that house elf was in the Hospital Wing last night.  
  
I wish I could find out why... Harry would tell me if I asked him. If he knew who I was.  
  
But he thinks I'm Madam Pomfrey, the semi-strict Hospital Matron.  
  
There is darkness stirring.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
I know what the darkness is.  
  
It's happened before.  
  
Some of the teachers are in denial, but Dumbledore knows.  
  
I have two victims in my care already, waiting for the Mandrakes to be prepared. It will be a long time until they are awakened.  
  
I don't know what this darkness is. I can't help prevent, and there is only the one cure.  
  
I worry for my son, and for his friends.  
  
I also have nothing to send my child for Christmas this year.  
  
I am still becoming myself. Perhaps by his fifth year, I will be completely me again.  
  
I WILL be me again.  
  
Dumbledore has noticed the change now. I can see it when he looks at me.  
  
He also knows the Dark One is waiting.  
  
I wish Sirius had never killed Peter. I would have done the idiot in myself, had I got there. And I wouldn't have landed in Azkaban for it.  
  
Azkaban.  
  
The place of coldness.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
I don't know what Hermione has done to herself, but it's bad.  
  
She came in here with yellow eyes, a tail, and black fur all over. She looked like a cat, almost.  
  
I put the curtains around her bed to save her the humiliation of having people see her like this.  
  
I think she will be able to leave soon.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
My hospital wing has filled up. All the students here now are petrified, like the Squib's cat, like that Colin Creevey.  
  
Hermione is here again.  
  
The security is tight.  
  
I feel so wretched not letting anyone in to see their friends, but I can't risk someone hurting them more.  
  
But Harry, and Ron, came by somehow. I don't know how they got past their teacher, but they came.  
  
They took whatever it was Hermione was holding with them.  
  
Soon they will face the darkness.  
  
I don't want him to go, but he will.  
  
He is my son.  
  
He is James's son.  
  
He is the Boy who Lived.  
  
He will face the darkness.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
The Weasley girl has disappeared. The message on the wall says she has been taken into the Chamber of Secrets.  
  
Lockhart is supposed to go after her tonight.  
  
Ron and Harry will go with him. I know it.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
They went in... and came back out again. Ginny, Ron, Harry, Lockhart- all fine. Well, Ginny needed some rest, and Harry was bloodied up a bit. Lockhart had completely lost his memory, but that's no tragedy.  
  
Hagrid and Dumbledore returned as well.  
  
And it made me so happy to see everyone finally awoken. I even went to the party celebrating the defeat of the basilisk and everyone's return.  
  
I was so happy to see my child having so much fun.  
  
Perhaps I'll try to go to his next Quidditch match.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- Sirius Black has escaped Azkaban. He killed someone, but I love him more for it.  
  
I haven't told Dumbledore the truth yet.  
  
He'll find out that we switched.  
  
Just not yet.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
I've been called to meet someone after the train ride.  
  
It was Harry.  
  
The guards of Azkaban searched the train, and he was badly affected. I fear it is because of that night so long ago...  
  
But Remus Lupin was there. I've missed him almost as much as I've missed James.  
  
Almost.  
  
Harry seems to have developed an aversion to chocolate now, though.  
  
I don't blame him.  
  
To associate something so filling and sweet with the most emptying, dark thing on Earth would make one dislike it.  
  
He will be fine.  
  
I'm going to go to the first Quidditch match this season- Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff.  
  
I wonder how he flies.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
He flies just like James. I almost think he IS James, seeing him up there in his sodden clothes, peering through the rain...  
  
A sudden coldness passes over the crowd. I hear James shouting for me to run...  
  
It's the Dementors.  
  
Harry falls from his broom.  
  
I can't react.  
  
Dumbledore slows his fall, puts him on a stretcher.  
  
I run ahead of him.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
The Quidditch team sloshed in a few minutes later- minus their captain.  
  
After a few minutes, I shoo them all out, but I let Ron and Hermione stay as I give Harry some chocolate.  
  
I eat some myself while I wait for the five minutes to be up.  
  
I give them fifteen.  
  
I know what it's like to want to spend time with your friend. Harry will be out of the Hospital Wing very soon.  
  
There's no reason for my child to stay.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
He's here in the Hospital Wing. So is Ron- his leg is broken- and so is Hermione.  
  
I wish I could have Sirius here. He told Dumbledore the truth of what had happened.  
  
I confirmed it.  
  
Snape, and Fudge, don't believe it.  
  
But they don't know who I am.  
  
Albus explained how he'd have Harry and Hermione go back in time, and save Hagrid's hippogriff (that Draco Malfoy was faking his injury for so long a time- but I couldn't explain how I knew) as well as Sirius.  
  
Peter is alive.  
  
Peter escaped.  
  
Damn him.  
  
I want him to pay.  
  
Vengeance will have to wait. Sirius needs to be safe before we can do anything.  
  
I'm glad that Harry is well. And Hermione. Ron will be fine soon- his leg just needs to set properly.  
  
Only one and a half years until I will reveal myself to all.  
  
The Dark One stirs again.  
  
Peter Pettigrew returns to him.  
  
Death awaits.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
The TriWizard Tournament is coming to Hogwarts. I'll have much work to do once the tasks start. For all they say about it being safer, there will still be many accidents. And I need to be present at all tasks- which means I'll need an assistant in case someone is in the Wing during one of them.  
  
I've asked the Head Girl this year if she'll be willing to contribute time.  
  
-.-.-  
  
I go to the Hallowe'en Feast this year to find out who is in the Tournament. Victor Krum, Cedric Diggory, Fleur Delacour.  
  
And Harry Potter.  
  
I stuff my fist in my mouth to stop from crying out. This should not have happened.  
  
I wouldn't stay away from the Tasks if my life were under threat. I need to take care of my child.  
  
He's too young.  
  
There is already someone from his school.  
  
A tear trickles down my cheek, and I leave.  
  
-.-.-  
  
DRAGONS!  
  
First it was Dementors at our school, now DRAGONS!  
  
And Harry has to get past one.  
  
He will do it. I know this. But it doesn't stop me worrying.  
  
-.-.-  
  
My tent is set up. I peer out the flap to watch what the Champions do.  
  
Harry is the last to go.  
  
-.-.-  
  
Harry raises his wand, and I see him mouth, "Accio."  
  
His broom speeds towards him, and he jumps on it.  
  
I gasp as he swoops and dives, distracting the Horntail he faces.  
  
I wince as the dragon's tail slashes his arm.  
  
I cheer with the rest when he reaches the egg.  
  
Then I tend to his wounds as if I couldn't care less whether he did well or not.  
  
It is hard to be a mother when your child doesn't know.  
  
Doesn't know who you are.  
  
There is darkness in Hogwarts again.  
  
The Dark One is plotting.  
  
-.-.-  
  
I don't know where they come up with these crackpot ideas for tasks.  
  
This time, they're going into the lake.  
  
I wait anxiously on the edge. I can do nothing if something happens to them down there.  
  
I really don't like this.  
  
But there was no way to get Harry out of the competition.  
  
-.-.-  
  
The Champions begin to surface with their captives. I give them blankets and a pepper-up potion so they don't fall ill.  
  
Fleur didn't manage to save her little sister, and it's all I can do to keep her from plunging back into the lake as I attempt to fix her wounds.  
  
At long last, Harry and Ron appear, and little silver head inbetween them.  
  
Percy and Fleur splash out to greet their siblings. I wait to do all I can.  
  
Be a nurse.  
  
There's only a few months longer before I will reveal myself.  
  
There's less than that until the Dark One will strike.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
The last task.  
  
The most dangerous task.  
  
I don't like this.  
  
The darkness is stronger now than it has been for many, many years.  
  
Since the night James died.  
  
Since the night I should have died.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
Fleur was taken out of the maze.  
  
So was Krum.  
  
Cedric and Harry are still in there.  
  
It's been too long. It's getting dark.  
  
Suddenly, Harry appears, the Cup in one hand, Cedric Diggory in the other. I push forward through the crowd to them, reaching out for Harry.  
  
Instead, I am pushed to look after Cedric.  
  
Dumbledore.  
  
He knows I want to tell Harry now.  
  
He knows that I know I must wait.  
  
But I also know that I can do nothing for Cedric.  
  
He is dead.  
  
-.-.-  
  
I find myself in the Hospital Wing, waiting for them to bring Harry to me. His leg was broken, and he needed sleep.  
  
It is still a very long time until he arrived.  
  
I put him to sleep, and Dumbledore tells me everything Harry had said.  
  
He saw the part of my spirit I had given up to save him.  
  
He saw James.  
  
My poor, poor child.  
  
Sleep, Harry. Sleep.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
Sirius has been lurking about.  
  
I should have known.  
  
He doesn't recognize me, though. I am part of the scenery as Dumbledore plans what everyone should do about Voldemort.  
  
The time is not right.  
  
I will be myself next year. They will see the real me soon enough.  
  
When there is the meeting of the Order of the Pheonix.  
  
It will be nice to see Remus and Sirius, Mundungus and Arabella, and for them to know me.  
  
And for Harry to know me.  
  
My child.  
  
Don't let the darkness get you, Harry. You've done so well so far. Continue to do so. Make it to Hogwarts again next year.  
  
Make it so you can see me.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
I've stopped casting the charms.  
  
I've stopped being called "Poppy Pomfrey."  
  
It was amazing to see how happy most of the staff was to find out who I really was.  
  
I'm happy- and surprised.  
  
I don't look too much different than last time I saw me as- me.  
  
I saw Remus the other day- he came back to Hogwarts for the meetings.  
  
And Mundungus Fletcher was here... I haven't seen him since graduation.  
  
Arabella Figg is going to be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and I'm glad for her.  
  
I've yet to see Sirius back in the castle again, though, not since I became me.  
  
I've been helping plan fun activities for the children over the next year, so that they will have something to do to keep their minds off what's going on. It's difficult, though, without someone's opinion... if only I could see Harry, ask him what he thought the other students might like to do...  
  
But I will have to wait, and wonder if my child is safe while the Dark One plots.  
  
I'm scared for him.  
  
I'm also scared for myself.  
  
Voldemort will be furious when he finds out I didn't really die.  
  
-.-.-.-.-.-  
  
A/N 2: Okies, I usually detest all the "OMG! Lily's alive!" type of fics, but I felt like turning this into one- it started with the first segment (between the '-.-.-.-' lines), and then I went on with it. If it doesn't flow too smoothly, that's because I posted it in a ton of short bits on the message board, and compiled it to lead up to book five (when I get around to writing it). So. REVIEW! 


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